What is Real Self Care?

What is Real Self Care?

Jul 10, 2025 | Featured Posts, Modern Counseling News

Hearing the word “self-care,” often conjures images of candles, bubble baths, or maybe a weekend getaway. Those things absolutely have their place, but they often miss a deeper need for many women, especially mothers.

In her book Real Self-Care, psychiatrist Dr. Pooja Lakshmin offers a radically honest reframing. Self-care, she argues, is not something you buy, it’s something you build. Not a luxury, but a practice. One that asks you to make values-based choices, even when they are hard.

As the New York Times highlighted in an article, real self-care involves setting boundaries, reclaiming agency, and offering yourself compassion, not just in theory, but in the everyday moments that make up a life.

So what does this look like?

Setting boundaries without guilt

  • Boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are about protecting what matters so you can show up more fully, not less.
  • Saying, “I want to be present for this, but I need to regroup first. Can we talk later tonight?”
  • Letting someone else take the lead on a project or family task, even if they do it differently than you would.
  • Asking for clarity at work instead of over-functioning in silence.

It’s not selfish, it’s sustainable.

Tuning into what matters to you (not what others expect)

This does not mean ignoring your responsibilities. It means anchoring to your own values, so you are not swept up in everyone else’s.

  • Pausing before you say yes: “Is this aligned with what really matters to me right now?”
  • Saying yes to moments that matter: a walk with your family, a quiet hour to create, or a break from the noise because they bring you back to yourself.
  • Letting go of being the “go-to” person for everyone if it’s leaving you perpetually running on empty.

Your values can be a compass, not another to-do list.

Practicing self-compassion, especially on tough days

Self-compassion is not a pass. It means staying connected to yourself with kindness, even in the moments you feel like you are not enough.

  • Saying, “This isn’t how I wanted the day to go and I’m still doing the best I can.”
  • Letting yourself cry without immediately solving it.
  • Taking ten minutes in the car before walking into the house, just to breathe.

We extend grace to others all the time. You deserve that same grace, too.

Reclaiming your power in small, meaningful ways

Power, for many women, does not come from control, it comes from alignment. It is knowing what you need and giving yourself quiet permission to move toward it.
Making a doctor’s appointment you have been putting off.

  • Speaking honestly, even when it would be easier to stay silent.
  • Choosing rest — not because everything is done, but because you are done.

These are all acts of remembering that your well-being matters.

If any of this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. Real self-care is a practice. One we can explore together, in a way that is real, sustainable, and deeply yours. If you are ready to take the next step, I invite you to reach out. Let’s talk about what support could look like for you, without pressure, and at your pace.

Motherhood in the Age of Social Media

Motherhood in the Age of Social Media

Feb 18, 2025 | Featured Posts, Modern Counseling News, Motherhood

You’ve probably heard of the stress hormone cortisol. It’s the body’s built-in alarm system, triggered in times of stress, and essential for survival. However, prolonged exposure to elevated cortisol levels can negatively impact our well-being—especially for mothers navigating the already challenging landscape of parenthood.
Recent research suggests that social media can contribute to increased cortisol levels, fueling stress, anxiety, and self-doubt. While these platforms offer connection and community, they also create an environment where unrealistic portrayals of motherhood can leave many feeling inadequate.

The Social Media Trap: When Comparison Breeds Shame

Imagine these scenarios:

Scenario 1: The Breastfeeding Struggle

You’re struggling with breastfeeding, and in search of reassurance, you scroll through social media. Instead of comfort, you find picture-perfect images of mothers effortlessly nursing their babies, beaming with joy. A wave of shame washes over you:
“What’s wrong with me? Everyone else makes it look so easy. Why can’t I do something that’s supposed to be natural?”

Scenario 2: The Not-So-Glowing Pregnancy

Pregnancy hasn’t been the magical experience you expected. Your first trimester was exhausting, filled with nausea and discomfort. You barely recognized yourself. Yet, on Instagram, influencers gush about their radiant glow and newfound energy. The anxiety creeps in:
“Why don’t I feel this way? Am I a terrible person for not loving pregnancy like they do?”

Scenario 3: The Fourth Trimester Reality Check

You gave birth two weeks ago, and life feels like a blur. Showering is a luxury, your body still looks pregnant, and exhaustion is your new normal. You turn to social media, hoping to find solidarity—only to see polished portraits of glowing mothers with serene newborns, captioned with phrases like “pure bliss” and “so in love.” You start to wonder:
“Why don’t I have it together? Why does everyone else seem to be thriving while I’m barely surviving?”
The reality is, social media often presents a curated highlight reel, not the full picture. While these platforms can keep us connected to loved ones, they can also amplify feelings of isolation, anxiety, and shame. Research has linked these emotions to increased cortisol levels, further compounding stress in an already demanding season of life.

5 Ways to Protect Your Mental Health on Social Media

If social media is making you feel more isolated than connected, it may be time to reassess your relationship with it. Here are five steps to help you navigate it more mindfully:
1. Check in with yourself
Pay attention to how you feel after scrolling. Do you feel encouraged and connected? Or drained and inadequate? Notice which posts bring you joy versus which ones stir up anxiety or envy. Self-awareness is the first step toward creating a healthier experience.
2. Curate your feed
Museums carefully curate exhibits to create a meaningful visitor experience—your social media feed should be no different. Unfollow accounts that leave you feeling “less than,” and seek out content that uplifts and validates your experience.
3. Set boundaries on screen time
Even the most carefully curated feed can’t prevent suggested posts or ads that reinforce unrealistic ideals. Set daily time limits for social media use, and consider designating specific times of the day to check in rather than scrolling out of habit or boredom.
4. Turn off notifications
Social media notifications trigger the brain’s limbic system, putting it on high alert and causing spikes in cortisol. Disabling notifications can help reduce the impulse to check your phone constantly, creating a more intentional and mindful experience.
5. Remember: Social media is not real life
Comparison is the thief of joy. What you see online is not the full story—it’s a filtered snapshot of someone’s life, carefully curated and edited. You are not alone in your struggles, even if they’re not openly shared on social media. Your experience is valid, even if it doesn’t look like someone else’s highlight reel.

Final Thoughts

Motherhood is hard enough without the added pressure of social media comparisons. By approaching these platforms with awareness and intention, we can protect our mental well-being and remind ourselves that we are already enough—without the filters, without the perfection, and without the pressure to measure up.

Your motherhood journey is uniquely yours, and that is more than enough.

The 4th Trimester: Postpartum Support Across Different Cultures

The 4th Trimester: Postpartum Support Across Different Cultures

Apr 11, 2023 | Contributor Articles, Featured Posts, Modern Counseling News, Motherhood, Postpartum Care

Have you heard of nesting parties? The concept is really an old tradition with a modern-day twist. Nesting parties today are gatherings that help the new parents prepare prior to the birth of their baby. A small group of friends and/or family come over during the last month of pregnancy to deep clean the home, stock the freezer with meals, help put furniture together, and more. Unlike baby showers that focus on celebrating the anticipated birth of the baby, nesting parties focus on supporting the parents, particularly the new mother, directly. But could we offer even more support?

Last year I was fortunate to have two High Tech High Mesa student interns helping me research and develop social media content. Below is the second of two articles written by Alissa Flores, now a high school senior. She examines how different cultures support the new mother during the fourth trimester.

The 4th Trimester

By Contributing Writer Alissa Flores, Intern
Class of 2023 high school student at High Tech High Mesa.
Interested in making mental health information more accessible and comprehensive.

Imagine having the house cleaned and food cooked for 40 days straight and just being able to focus on your newborn infant. Believe it or not, this is reality in various countries and cultures around the world for the postpartum mother. Postpartum periods are a vital transition for women as they journey into motherhood. This momentous shift is recognized in numerous nations ranging from Belgium to the Dominican Republic. Conversely in the U.S. the motherhood journey is often a solitary one where the mother is expected to “do it all” without much or (or any) community and family support beyond the first two weeks postpartum.

Studies determined the average postpartum period in other cultures is around 40 days. Focusing on women after delivery is essential for many cultures. Cultural practices from Latin America include a 40-day postpartum isolation period where the new mother only worries about healing from labor and bonding with her baby. This practice, known as La Cuarentena, means “the quarantine” in Spanish. Rest is required and female family members support the new mother by doing the chores and cooking. On the menu for mom might be nourishing foods like broth and roasted chicken. Across the Pacific in China, a 2,000 year old tradition, known as zuo yue zi or “sitting the month,” prioritizes the new mom’s recovery by resting and having a special diet. Other countries have routine in-home postpartum care. For instance, Belgium and the Netherlands provide new moms with a maternity nurse that gives at-home care for a minimum of 24 hours within 8 days of discharge. Nordic customs often have visitors bring the new mother meals to eat during her 40-day rest period to support her. The female friends and family took turns helping around the house and with the baby.

Some studies show that the U.S. strongly differs from other cultures in that Americans do not participate in postpartum customs which “mother” women for longer periods (Parents,2021). American standards lead many women to feel like they have to do it all immediately after birth.

The custom of La Cuarentena is believed by Latinas to keep good health and prevent illness throughout their life. The Chinese tradition of “doing the month”, descended from the Sung Dynasty and Chinese medicine that supports the balance of yin and yang (Slate,2011). Postpartum Mexican women in the U.S. were studied in 1982; those who followed La Cuarentena reported less symptoms of depression compared to women who did not (Archives of Women’s Mental Health,2010). In 2006, a study on the Chinese tradition was also linked to lower signs of postpartum depression. Evidently these customs are working for mothers. New mother, Evelyn Escobar who lives in Los Angeles, took part in La Cuarentena. She says that she had her husband, delivery help, and her community to care for her as she healed. She was able to rest and recover which allowed her to transition seamlessly into motherhood. She claims,” ‘It gave me the preparation that I needed to sort of come out and feel confident about my new role as a mother’ “(Parents,2021). Author Heng Ou, of the book, The First Forty Days: The Essential Art of Nourishing the New Mother, emphasizes “If we take care of our mothers, we really take care of our society as a whole”. Ou only practiced “sitting the month” for her first born and as a result, with her other children, she felt disconnected from her body because she immediately returned to work after birth (Parents,2021).

While these traditions aren’t perfect or ensure success, they all have one thing in common for mothers to learn from: slowing down is key. Studies show that “postnatal social support indicates positive effects on the mothers’ mood” (Archives of Women’s Mental Health,2010). Postpartum care in the U.S. is often inadequate, particularly for families who lack the resources to hire help if family is not nearby. We must ask for more support of our postpartum mothers. Many cultures truly believe women are vulnerable postpartum and must be well taken care of like the newborn for a reason. Modern mothers don’t have to follow traditions step by step but having more help (e.g. someone to cook and clean, take care of the older children) can be beneficial for the entire family and society as a whole. According to Ou: “Healthy babies start with healthy parents” (Parents,2021).

The Science Behind ‘Mommy Brain’

The Science Behind ‘Mommy Brain’

Jan 5, 2023 | Contributor Articles, Featured Posts, Modern Counseling News, Motherhood

Last Spring I was fortunate to have two High Tech High Mesa student interns helping me research and develop social media content. Below is one of two articles written by Alissa Flores, now a high school senior. For this article, Alissa examined recent scientific research on motherhood and cognitive changes happening in the brain.

The Science Behind ‘Mommy Brain’

By Contributing Writer Alissa Flores, Intern

Is mommy brain real? Up to 80% of new mothers experience this distracted feeling and brain fog post-partum (Washington Post, 2021). But why? New research suggests that women’s brains are wired to adapt to the role of motherhood. First-time mothers experience changes in their brain during pregnancy and post-partum. Also during pregnancy, hormones such as progesterone and estrogen, rise. But, the high rise of hormones, especially estrogen, along with stress and anxiety brought by motherhood can also cause what has been referred to as “mommy brain” in popular culture.

What changes are happening?

A 2016 study found that first-time mothers experienced reductions in gray brain matter in regions responsible for social cognition that lasted up to 2 years. Mothers were scanned pre-pregnancy and again after birth. When the scans were compared to non-mothers, the matter loss was seen only in the mothers. Men’s brains have also been observed and it was seen they only adapt when deeply involved in caring for a child. (Washington Post,2021). The gray matter in the brain takes part in the process of important functions such as processing emotions, hearing, seeing, and making decisions. This reduction is known as synaptic pruning which is a natural process. As you evolve in life, this process happens in your brain to eliminate extra neural connections thus improving brain efficacy. As an illustration, think of it as a bush being “pruned” so it can regrow better.  Your body releases more hormones like progesterone to prepare your uterus and body to carry a baby. Estrogen helps your body develop your baby. However, the fluctuation of hormones make you more prone to mood swings and anxiety.

Chart of Amygdala and Synaptic Pruning | Article by Guest Contributor/Intern Alissa Flores | Modern Counseling San Diego

How does this benefit me?

Your brain changing during pregnancy can sound like a scary thing at first, but your body does this to allow you to better respond to the cues and needs of an infant post-partum. As pruning takes place, other areas of the brain experience new growth. Your amygdala grows during pregnancy and postpartum; this area has many receptors for hormones like oxytocin. Oxytocin levels flourish in women during pregnancy and postpartum; higher levels of the hormone oxytocin have been connected to highly involved mothers. The amount of oxytocin flowing to the amygdala correlates with high amygdala activation.

The loss in gray brain matter previously mentioned also occurred in the hippocampus (brain’s memory control). As a mother, your focus goes towards the part of the brain that’s responsible for figuring out your infant’s wants and needs. Synaptic pruning causes the decreases to happen, which according to researcher Elseline Hoekzema, is a process that “eliminates certain connections between brain cells to encourage the facilitation of new connections” (NY Times,2020). These changes could be beneficial to you in motherhood as the process can aid in the brain’s focus on certain actions and activities.

Researchers claim that the changes can be an advantage throughout not only motherhood, but when taking on caregiving responsibilities later in life, as they don’t immediately disappear. Abigail Tucker, the author of Mom Genes: Inside the New Science of Our Ancient Maternal Instinct, says “The cognitive advantages [new moms] have are something like a super power” and “Brain shrinkage sounds sad and depressing… [but it] might not actually mean these brain parts are getting worse”. Expecting and new mothers are able to differentiate more details ranging from minute color differences to their babies’ distinctive cries. These changes allow your brain to distinguish minute details. Another study, done by Valeria Tucker Miller at Purdue University, discovered that mothers’ reaction times were often better than those of other women. As these studies show, these brain changes have an adaptive quality.

How are they linked to postpartum issues?

Approximately one in six women will suffer from postpartum depression and other issues that develop after giving birth (The Atlantic,2015). Some experts believe the brain changes might contribute to postpartum depression and anxiety. New mothers experience growth in brain areas that are responsible for regulation of emotions and empathy. Researcher Pilyoung Kim believes that this is what causes new mothers to develop obsessive-compulsive behaviors: “Mothers actually report very high levels of patterns of thinking about things that they cannot control”; this stems from the urgency and desire to take great care of your child. Have you found yourself obsessing over whether your baby is safe and sound? Your amygdala after giving birth continues to grow and is “correlated with how a new mother behaves—an enhanced amygdala makes her hypersensitive to her baby’s needs” (The Atlantic,2015). Other researchers like Dr.Simone Vigod, believe synaptic pruning and brain alteration are connected to postpartum depression and anxiety (NY Times,2020). Unfortunately, your brain attempting to prepare you to be a better mom can be the cause of your constant feeling of sadness and disconnection to your baby. Postpartum depression and negative moods after birth are not your fault, it’s just human nature.

Conclusion

The pregnant and postpartum brain go through neural changes which can cause mommy brain but this also sets up our brains to allow us to be caring and careful mothers. The drastic changes that happen are so much more than just dealing with forgetfulness, our brains are designed to be mothers but things like postpartum depression can cause difficulty. Yale researchers say that studying and learning more about the postpartum brain will reveal why the maternal brain is developed this way and help with getting rid of the overwhelming stigma centered around postpartum illness (Greater Good,2008). As a result, more mothers will break their silence about their experiences and seek help. To reiterate, research shows that 85% of new moms endure a “passing period of sadness or irritability” (Greater Good,2008). Too many women are experiencing this for there not to be more research available. It is necessary for more studies to be done so more women will understand their behaviors more and we can work on treating them. Our brains function the way they do for a reason. It is not 100% clear why new mothers experience melancholy but always remember that you are not alone. It can feel like these struggles are unnatural, that nobody else will understand or that something is wrong with you, but this shouldn’t be and isn’t your reality. There are several ways to alleviate this shame and stress: psychotherapy and various support groups are available to help. Reaching out to friends and family for assistance allows you to prevent sleep deprivation, which is essential for relieving symptoms of postpartum illness. Therapeutic strategies and medication have been found to help and transform mothers cope with their postpartum depression. This isn’t a helpless battle, many other women are going through the same thing.

San Diego Professionals & Crisis Number :
https://postpartumhealthalliance.org
Local Postpartum Groups:
https://www.sharp.com/health-classes/postpartum-support-group—sharp-mary-birch-hospital-for-women–newborns-17
Hotline Number & Specialized Help:
https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/locations/
Further reading on Postpartum Depression: https://familydoctor.org/condition/postpartum-depression/
https://www.womenshealth.gov/mental-health/mental-health-conditions/postpartum-depression

Coping with Stress

Coping with Stress

Jun 15, 2021 | College Counseling, Contributor Articles, Modern Counseling News

By: Gabriel Vitug
High School Student & Guest Author

When we encounter a threatening situation, our bodies go into fight, flight or freeze mode. This reaction was extremely beneficial in pre-modern society. However, instead of being at risk of being eaten by a saber-toothed tiger, modern humans face stress in their jobs, relationships, or finances. Since stressors are all around us, some might find themselves in this hyper-alert mode constantly which can cause chronic tension. Some people may also be more prone to stress due to their genetics, upbringing, or environment.

The biology behind stress.

When we face a threat, the hypothalamus (a tiny region in your brain’s base) sets off an alarm that causes a domino effect. In response, adrenal glands located atop of the kidneys release adrenaline and cortisol into the body. Adrenaline increases your heart rate, causes a rise in blood pressure, and boosts energy supplies. Cortisol on the other hand suppresses bodily functions that would be non-essential in a fight or flight situation. Non-essential functions include the digestive system, reproductive system, and the growth process. This intricate alarm system also communicates with the brain’s regions that control mood, motivation, and fear.

The negative effects of chronic stress.

Chronic stress is the constant, prolonged exposure to stress. This can be very damaging to your health. According to the Mayo Clinic, the long term health problems include:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Digestive problems
  • Headaches
  • Heart disease
  • Sleep problems
  • Weight gain
  • Memory and concentration impairment

What are the different ways to relieve stress?

Stress is a normal part of life and there’s no way around it. You may have no control over your situation. Still, there are plenty of ways to ease stress in a healthy way. The Mayo Clinic recommends the following stress management strategies:

  • Eating a healthy diet and getting regular exercise and plenty of sleep
  • Practicing relaxation techniques such as trying yoga, practicing deep breathing, getting a massage or learning to meditate
  • Exercise, such as walking, strength training, or swimming
  • Taking time for hobbies, such as reading a book or listening to music
  • Fostering healthy friendships
  • Having a sense of humor
  • Volunteering in your community
  • Seeking professional counseling when needed

Practicing these stress management techniques works because they are able to keep you preoccupied. Personally, an effective stress reliever for me is connecting with friends. Meeting up with friends either physically or over the internet is a great way for me to de-stress and take my mind off things.

Being able to manage stress in a healthy way could offer you “peace of mind and perhaps a longer, healthier life.”

Works Cited

Mayo Clinic. “Chronic stress puts your health at risk.” Mayo Clinic, 19 March 2019,
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037. Accessed 3 June 2021
Harvard Health. “Exercising to Relax.” Harvard Health Publishing, 7 July 2020,
https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/exercising-to-relax. Accessed 3 June 2021
Harvard Health. “5 of the best exercises you can ever do” Harvard Health Publishing, 7 July
2020, https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/5-of-the-best-exercises-you-can-ever-do. Accessed 4 June 2021

Parenting During a Pandemic: A Letter to Parents

Parenting During a Pandemic: A Letter to Parents

Apr 24, 2020 | Featured Posts, Modern Counseling News

Dear Parents:

You are heroes! Truly. In one month you have taken on so many additional full-time roles: classroom/preschool teacher, counselor, coach, zoom conference coordinator, lunch lady, and _____________ (fill in the blank). The current situation has taken the concept of “multi-tasking” to a whole new level.

Below I have compiled a handful of resources for parenting during the Age of Coronavirus. I hope that some of them will be helpful to you and your loved ones! 

Warm regards,
Danielle Michaelis Castillo

Talking with kids about Coronavirus:

Coronavirus: A Book for Children a book just published by Nosy Crow, a British children’s publisher, available as a free download; to help explain the virus to children
CDC Guide for Talking with Children

NYTimes article lists additional free picture book resources (different age groups) for talking with kids about the virus

For when you need a homeschooling break – sit side by side with your school aged child(ren) and connect the them to Audible via headphones. A lovely narrator will read them a story while you have some time to join a mindfulness practice via UCSD’s Center for Mindfulness.

Audible Free Audio Books for Kids (infant through teens ). Free until schools re-open; includes Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, Book 1 read by actor Stephen Fry – this listen is truly a magical and theatrical experience

UCSD Center for Mindfulness is offering free live and recorded mindfulness practices and resources (for adults)

Reading for parents working from home:
8 Tips for Working From Home With Kids During COVID-19 (Yale Medicine)

The Reasons Zoom Calls Drain Your Energy (and what to do about it)

Feeling discouraged? Be gentle with yourself and listen to something inspirational:
How to Go Easy On Yourself in a Pandemic from the Ten Percent Happier Podcast (talk w/ Kristen Neff, Ph.D whose research focuses on self-compassion)

Brene Brown Ted Talk (researcher and author Brene Brown’s 2010 Ted Talk is so relevant to our situation in this moment: vulnerability, courage, and belonging versus “not good enough” self-talk)  

Managing relationship conflict:
Conflict and Connecting in Crisis from the Gottman Institute

NY Times article on communicating and managing conflict (adults)

Other free Resources/Activities:

Raddish Kids (hands-on) – incorporate math, science, and language arts through cooking. This website currently offers an array of recipes that are fun to make, tasty, and build kids’ self-confidence during uncertain times. 

NatGEO@ Home (on-line) – National Geographic’s website offers fun activities and educational games for families. Whether you have 5 minutes or 30 minutes, this website can offer a great way to connect. Activities update daily.

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